


How do three teenage disasters survive the hitman they actually hired to kill them? This is an actual question, Google isn’t being helpful. Oh fuck, he’s outside"

by thatrosebitch (natslegacy)



Category: Vampire Academy Series - Richelle Mead
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Attempt at Humor, F/M, Humor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-20
Updated: 2020-10-23
Packaged: 2021-03-09 06:08:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27119347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/natslegacy/pseuds/thatrosebitch
Summary: “How do three teenage disasters survive the hitman they actually hired to kill them? This is an actual question, Google isn’t being helpful. Oh fuck, he’s outside” (summary prompt by @the-final-sif on Tumblr)Exactly what it says on the top: Christian and Rose accidentally hire a hitman to take them and Lissa out. Tags will be updated along the way.
Relationships: Dimitri Belikov/Rose Hathaway, Lissa Dragomir/Christian Ozera
Kudos: 9





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> My very first work on here, no idea how to do this properly. The titel is just the prompt for now since I usually title my works after completion and this is very much still a work in progress.

“And then you just click on “Pay now”?” Rose asked, looking up at Christian incredulously. “Yeah, I’ve done it countless times, it always asks for an obscene amount of money that’s not at all proportionate to the task I’m asking them to do. Killing me, that is”. No, she really couldn’t imagine that to be hard at all. And if killing Christian cost more than he could afford (and he had wasted a shit ton of money on “fun” stuff like this) then hiring someone to take all three of them out was going to be unbelievably expensive. So no, Rose really didn’t have any doubts when she clicked that button. Oh, how wrong she was.  
“20 Dollars?” Christian damn near screamed in her ear and pulled the laptop towards himself, toppling over the extremely sugary tea Rose had placed next to it. Since Christian now held her Laptop it seemed to be alright but the same couldn’t be said about the bottom part of her pajama pants. “Christian, what the fuck?” she screamed. “Woops” he just replied, staring at the screen intensively. Rose sighed. She’d never understand Lissa’s affection for that goddamned asshole, but she promised to “play nice” tonight and resisted the temptation to throw him off the couch. Instead, she reluctantly got up.  
“I’m gonna go and change, don’t do anything stupid!”

She changed into some of Lissas older pajamas that luckily fit her, even if it was a bit less comfortable than her own pair (fucking Christian). After returning to the living room she sat back down on the couch. Christian had since put her Laptop down so she grabbed it, wanting to put on some Netflix show to pass the time while they waited for Lissa to return with their food. Instead of the “pay now” screen that she left behind though, she was greeted with an entirely different one. 

“ ‘Thank you for your purchase. Your assigned contractor will approach you to confirm the task shortly. Please remain on the site.’ “ she read out loud, growing more and more worried with each word. “Christian WHAT?”  
“It was so cheap! I couldn’t resist! I’ll return the 20 bucks to you tomorrow, promise” he answered with a sheepish expression.  
“The 20 dollars are the least of my concerns and I seriously doubt that we’ll even live to see tomorrow, considering that you just hired a HITMAN TO TAKE US OUT! With express delivery!”  
“Come on Rose, you don’t seriously believe that someone’s gonna come and kill the three of us for 20 fucking dollars? That’s not even enough to pay the gas to drive all the way out here! We’re gonna get an email saying that it was a mistake and it’ll be fine. You need to calm down.”  
“Well, it does look pretty real to me. And I don’t really wanna die tonight.”  
“Relax. The site said that the guy will message us when he starts working. So, as long as we don’t get a message we’ll be fine.”

In that exact moment, a small mail icon appeared in the top right corner of her screen, accompanied by a small ping.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter, Intro Lissa! :)

“This is a disaster. A nightmare. A huge fucking problem. I’m running out of words but I think you get my point”  
“I don’t think it’s that big of a deal, really. If we only paid 20, how good can that guy be?”  
“Not that big of a deal? Are you for real Christian? Hiring a Hitman from a website that I’m pretty sure is illegal - using my laptop by the way - and asking him to kill us is ‘not that big of a deal’?!”

“You guys did what?” a high pitched female voice shrieked from the doorway. Lissa had picked the best possible moment for her return and Rose absolutely loved her for this timing. She had been this close to losing it on Christian. “Please tell me I heard that wrong. Are you actually insane?”   
“Ask your boyfriend that, I didn’t do anything”  
“You sure did! You browsed that website with me!”   
“Yeah, and you confirmed the payment while I wasn’t in the room! So obviously, I’m not the one to blame here!”  
“Shut up, both of you!” Lissa interrupted their bantering. “Can someone please tell me what exactly happened? Without you guys interrupting each other?”  
“Alright, so”, Rose started, “we were browsing this website Christian kept talking about - yes I knew it’s for Hitmen and stuff but I didn’t think much of it - and we wanted to see how much it’d be kill us since we’re pretty basic and all - no offense Lissa, you’re amazing, but Christian kinda cancels that out. Then Christian ruined my pajama pants and I had to go change and when I came back he had booked a fucking hitman for us since - and I quote - ‘it was only 20 bucks’”.  
“And you’re sure that it’s legit? It could be a scam, right?”  
“I said that too, but we got a message and now I’m pretty sure it’s real” Christian replied and had the audacity to not even look guilty. Rose was going to kill him. If someone else didn’t get to it before her, which was more than likely to happen given their current situation.   
“Well, what does the message say? It better be an error message, otherwise we’ll be in real trouble.” Lissa responded while glaring angrily at her boyfriend.   
“We haven’t opened it yet”   
“Then get on with it! I don’t necessarily wanna die tonight.”

Hesitating for a second Rose moved the cursor to the top right corner of her screen and clicked on the mail icon. A small chat window opened, showing them the message they’d received.

“Thank you for hiring me. Your tasks will be completed within 24 hours.” Rose read out loud. “That’s it? I kinda expected more from a certified killer”.   
“Stop joking, this pretty much confirmed that it’s for real! Oh God, we’re gonna die!” Lissa screamed and sat down next to her, checking the message again. “Can’t we ask for a refund or something?”  
“The contract said that termination isn’t possible so I don’t think we can” Christian replied quietly. Oh PLEASE let Lissa leave him over this. She deserved so much better than this asshole.   
“Maybe we can message him back? There has to be something we can do?” Lissa asked hysterically.   
“I mean, we can try, but given his very short message I don’t think he’s the texting type.” Rose answered. “I say we make sure every door and window is locked and that there’s no other way in. Your parents don’t have this fancy security system for nothing, right? And then we grab a kitchen knife or something, make sure we’re not completely defenseless.”   
“How about just calling the police?” Lissa asked.  
“I don’t think they’d believe us. ‘Sorry officer, but we accidentally hired a hitman to kill us’ doesn’t sound very believable, don’t you think? Also, I’m pretty sure the website is illegal and I don’t want to get arrested for using it.”  
“Alright then… Better activate that security system, right?”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you haven't watched Scream (1996) then do yourself a favour and watch this 1 and a half minute long video:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X-q-AWD_8AY  
> I reference this scene in the chapter and while it's not too important to the plot, some of the dialogue doesn't make much sense if you don't know the scene. Thank you :)

Having grabbed the biggest kitchen knife and a smaller one for convenience, Rose went upstairs to close the windows while Christian and Lissa had gone to the office to activate the system.   
“This whole operation would be so much fucking easier if the Dragomirs didn’t live in a goddamned mansion. Who even needs that many rooms?”  
“WHY are the window handles so far up? Who designed this and thought ‘oh yeah, everyone living here will be at least 6 feet tall’. Fuck tall people”  
“Damn it, why-”  
“Why are you talking to yourself?”

Startled Rose turned around, holding out the knife she had grabbed earlier.   
“Stay back!”  
“Wooow, calm down, I was just checking in” Christian said from the doorway. “No need to go crazy and attack me”  
“Yeah, because there’s no reason to be on high alert at all, just a calm and casual evening, sure. How about you. don’t. sneak. up. on. me.”  
“Fair point. Anyways, are you done here? We finished everything downstairs and I wanna watch a movie since I’m not gonna spent all night just waiting to die, but Lissa said we shouldn’t be distracted so I need you to convince her”  
“She does have a point, you know. But I say we watch some Scream. If we die, we die with class”  
“I don’t see how that’s classy. Like, at all”  
“That’s because you have no taste. Let’s go down before Lissa thinks we’ve already been murdered”

They walked back downstairs, crossing all the 20 something rooms Rose had worked her way through, closing all the windows and drawing the curtains. If someone was to try and get in, they sure wouldn’t make it in this way. But who would even try to break in through a second-story window? The house was massive so there had to be better ways in. Ways that were hopefully covered by the security system.   
Downstairs, Lissa had put some blankets and cushions into her parents’ office since it was the most secure room in the house. It did look pretty comfortable considering that it was supposed to be an office. She had also grabbed the food she’d brought earlier and some sodas. Since Lissa had already complained about watching a movie Rose assumed that alcohol wasn’t an option. She would probably need to grab some as an emergency backup, should Lissa and Christian decide to forget that she was there and get touchy. It wouldn’t be the first time. 

They did end up watching Scream in the end. Though maybe it was not the smartest choice to watch a movie about a killer breaking into someone's house and killing them while they themselves were in a similar situation. Maybe they’d get a reloaded version of the movie ending but in real life - not that Rose hoped for anything like that to happen. The house was secured, nothing could happen to them. And come the morning, Lissas’ parents would return and everything would be fine.

“I’ll go to the bathroom real quick, I’ll be right back” Christian suddenly said after they were just over halfway through the movie.   
“Randy literally just explained why you shouldn't say that!” Rose yelled after him while he left the office, leaving the door slightly ajar. Noticing that Lissa was still quite pale she added: “I’m joking, of course. I mean, he also said that virgins can’t die so I say Christian is safe. and please don’t say anything refuting that.”  
“I wasn’t going to”; Lissa responded, blushing.

Rose utilized the time they spent waiting for Christian to return by eating the leftovers of his Pizza since he clearly wasn’t going to eat them anymore. Lissa seemed to be checking the security system again, which she had done approximately five times during the movie. They’d make a pretty cool horror movie trio - Lissa as the paranoid one and Christian as the annoying dude that no one likes but somehow survives. According to that logic, Rose would be the virgin Final Girl. While that, according to Randy, would grant her a survival advantage, she could do without that ‘bonus’.   
It was then that she noticed that Christian was taking way, way too long to come back. While yes, the house was enormous and it was easy to get lost, they were here often enough to know where each room was. He was here probably even more often than she was, considering that he and Lissa spent almost their entire free time here together. And the walk from the office to the bathroom wasn’t that long. Not wanting to worry Lissa, which was now frantically checking the outdoor security cameras, Rose slowly picked her phone up and sent Christian a text.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're getting real now! What do you think happened to Christian?  
> And for all the Romitri people: Dimitri will definitely appear but not until a bit later.. until then, I hope my portrayal of Rose is enough to keep you here :)

**Author's Note:**

> Just a very short intro but I hope you enjoyed it nonetheless. Lissa and Dimitri will appear in future chapters :)  
> I'm my own editor so if you see any mistakes please forgive me - just leave a comment and tell me what's wrong, I'll improve it asap. Also, comments and kudos are my writing fuel so don't be shy - I wanna hear those thoughts!


End file.
